A clean slate

Want to have a fresh start? Everyday? Conscience is hard to clean. A genuine clean slate is something never happened, cause it just doesn’t exist. Everyday I say I will do things seriously, about 10 minutes in I give up. I never live seriously, always half-way in everything. Is sleep schedule the problem? Will tomorrow be better than today? I just out of a terrible time with relationships, why getting into another? I need boundary. years different in ages? - no I need to resist temptation. I need a new way? No, every day I keep saying I need something new, but I just keep going back. I am a people pleaser. Trying harder not to care - seriously wow. I tried but not all the way. Sometime I turn to religion, but as doing it half way only, it never works. —— I complained so much, to pretty much everyone, it has become a bad habit and slowly destroyed my life. People I know have no respect for me, I do not respect myself.
“Đem tiền về cho mẹ, đừng đem ưu phiền về cho mẹ”.
I failed, I kept making my mom sad, I kept complaining to her. The reality is I am lazy, and always look for a shortcut in life, or waiting a someone will save me, a girlfriend? That is delusional, instead of sharing the joy and happiness in my life to other, I am looking for someone to save me. That is unfair and brutal. I am immoral. I don’t really like reading the Bible or believe in it: my excuse - lazy, I don’t even read it to disprove it, but is it the wrong way to start reading? Why am I going to church? Pleasing people again? What am I actually living for? What do you want? An extraordinary work on something mundane, or a mundane work on something extraordinary?