Sad day again, partying

So D got admission to Iowa, she is going to be a PhD. I am very happy for her. We threw a party for her, P got drunk, vomited. I got to met Pr, and Si. They are very cool and her singing was amazing, her guitar skill was top notch. It was such a happy night, the sense of community that I have been craving for. However when looking of them, I know that I don’t understand myself at all. I do not know what is love, how to love, and who do I love. I am just craving love without commitments, as in everything: harmonica, piano, violin, guitar, … to math or coding, even within math I do not know where do I stick to. After everyone left, I felt a tremendous sense of emptiness. I am old, I can’t live like this any longer. Using the phone too much really fucked me up, I am no longer be able to feel the moment, to have real connection with people and life. P/s: no idea why but D Kim spent 2 hours driving to Ann Ab to get the piano for D, wow K feel I could have done that, but I didn’t. D Kim is really a good and nice person. The question of if I am nice or not: I am not sure, I do not really think I am a good person as I thought before. I really grew up to be a person that I disgusted when I was young.